Finding Forever (Meet the McIntyres Book 5) Read online

  I needed a break.

  Not just from the back-breaking work I was faced with every day, either. By now, I was used to getting up before the ass crack of dawn and crashing completely exhausted before a respectable hour for a guy closing in on thirty. Something I wasn’t entirely comfortable with, if I were being honest, but there wasn’t anyone in my life I could bitch about it with. And that, more than anything, was grating on my nerves these days.

  That’s why everyone was here tonight.

  As much as I loved my space and peace and quiet, I needed a favour, and my brothers were about to get asked for a big one.

  “Connor, can you grab the potatoes from the oven for me?” Payton asked as she stood carving the huge hunk of lamb.

  The smells wafting through house made me want to ask Payton to move in and never leave. The woman was incredible. She’d shown up four hours ago and taken control. Between her and Holly, the girl who could burn water, they’d cooked a massive roast dinner with all the trimmings. I for one, couldn’t wait to dig into Payton’s famous honeyed carrots. She was a genius in the kitchen.

  “Yep.” Setting my beer bottle on the bench, I swiped the tea towel from the counter and pulled out the heavy dish filled with potatoes and cheese and cream. For a brief second, I thought about taking the dish and ducking out the back door and inhaling it myself.

  “Dinner’s ready!” Holly screeched like a banshee.

  Who’d have thought I’d be twenty-nine, single, living in the family home running the farm while trying to keep a teenage girl on track. This was not the life I’d imagined for myself nor one I ever saw coming. But it is what it is.

  Everyone settled into their seats. It was funny. You think as you get older, the family would shrink around the dinner table. People move out. They move away. They leave too soon. When in fact, the opposite happens. Beau had a family—the beautiful and talented Payton, a woman who hadn’t met a delicious treat she couldn’t recreate. But her most adorable creation was the beautiful baby girl Beau couldn’t seem to put down, Robin. She stole everyone’s heart the moment she fluttered her long black lashes. If I thought Holly was going to grow up to be a Princess, then Robin was destined to be a Queen.

  Gage had arrived with a smiling Carly and the newest addition to their tribe, a tri-colour Cavalier King Charles puppy. He was a terror. At only twelve weeks old, he hadn’t found anything he couldn’t chew, however he had already uncovered his favourite—Carly’s high heels. Already twice today she’d tried to give him away.

  Even Holly wasn’t flying solo. These days, Jack Reynolds—formerly our neighbour, now Holly’s shadow—was sitting beside her, holding her hand, making her smile. They’d just returned from a week in Queensland celebrating Holly’s eighteenth birthday. From all accounts they’d had the time of their lives. Drinking cocktails, taking on the theme parks, and even a whale watching cruise, where they’d stumbled across a mother and calf humpback putting on a show for the tourist boats that floated nearby.

  Then there was me.

  By myself.

  As usual.

  Having everyone here was awesome, I loved all of them—sometimes in small doses—but having them all here made me feel even lonelier than I was when the house fell silent each night.

  “This looks amazing ladies,” Gage gushed, always the gentleman.

  When the platters started getting passed around and the clattering of cutlery started scraping, everything seemed right in the world.

  “Looks like we’re just on time!”

  Ryan breezed in the door looking better than I’d seen in a long time. He’d put on some weight and toughened up. But that wasn’t what made him look as good as he did. It was the wide smile that had to be pulling at his cheeks. And dawdling along behind him was Alex. The guy who was one hundred percent responsible for Ryan being as happy as he was. For that alone, I didn’t give two shits if Ryan was gay, straight, or somewhere in between.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, kicking back my chair and embracing him in a tight hug.

  Ryan was the one I missed the most and worried about constantly. Living in Melbourne meant I couldn’t just drop by and see him when I needed to, so I was forced to rely on him telling me what was going on in his life. Although that had improved since he’d come out, there was still distance there. Too much distance.

  “What the fuck is that, Connor?”

  “What?”

  “On your face! What do you think you are? A porn star?” I shrugged absentmindedly as I toyed with my new moustache.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

  “Fuck no!”

  “Sure, you do. If you want tips, all you need to do is ask, little brother.”

  “I don’t think anyone sporting a porn-stache should be giving advice.”

  “What? I like it. I’m trying something new.”

  “Like what? Celibacy?” Beau tossed out the barb so quickly no one saw it coming, least of all Payton, who ended up snorting orange juice out her nose.

  While Ryan grabbed another couple of chairs, Holly shot towards him and gave him a hug. Those two were thick as thieves. It was no wonder she was the first to figure out Ryan’s secret.

  Soon enough, Ryan and Alex had a beer in their hands, one of my beers, and we were all stuffing our faces.

  “It’s been a while since we’ve all been here together,” Gage pointed out the obvious.

  Feeling like now was as good as time as any, I took my chance. “Well, since we’re all here, I need a favour.”

  “What d’you need?” Beau asked, not missing a beat.

  “A break.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Time off. Time away.”

  “Oh.”

  “Is that a problem?” I asked, kinda snarky. I didn’t mean to sound like a cranky ass, but that’s what I’d become. Since Dad had given up on bothering to care about the place, then when he passed away, I felt like all I ever did was uncover yet another problem and then have to try and fix it. It was never ending. And it was exhausting. I needed a holiday.

  “Of course not,” Beau added, quickly dissolving the tension in the room.

  “Where you going to go?” Carly asked as she refilled her wine glass. It was always a dangerous thing when Carly started refilling her glass. You never knew what was coming next.

  “Not sure yet. I may even just sleep in.” I shrugged. It was the honest to God’s truth. I had no idea what I was going to do with a whole week to do whatever whenever I liked. It wasn’t like I had actual plans or even someone to make plans with.

  “You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself,” Holly teased.

  “When are you thinking?” Beau asked, bringing the focus back to the topic at hand.

  “Not sure. Soon though. When do you think you guys could cover?” There it was. It was one thing for them to agree to give me some time off, but now I’d put it back on them to pick up the slack.

  Surprising me, Ryan was first to speak up. “What about three weeks? I can come home for the week and help. I’m just finishing up a job now, but I’ll be done by then, so it won’t be a problem.”

  “Yeah, I can help too,” Alex offered quickly.

  Since Alex was his own boss, I wasn’t shocked that he could get the time off. What did surprise me though was he wanted to step up and help. This wasn’t his problem, yet there he was putting his hand up.

  “That works for me. I can organise some cover with that much notice,” Gage added.

  “You know I’ll still be here,” Jack confirmed. Since he worked here most days that just made sense. At least if he were here, there’d be some consistency and I could rely on shit getting done properly.

  “Thanks guys.”

  I was relieved. I’d felt bad for even asking, but I knew if I didn’t speak up I’d end up losing my shit and causing a drama. I was grateful to my family for stepping up and helping me out. After all, this wasn’t my property, it was ours, which meant when it cam
e down to it, we were all responsible to make sure we stayed in the black. It’d been such a struggle to get back on track, there was no way we were going to let it get that bad ever again.

  Once the plates were scraped clean and the dishes washed, everyone headed home. It went from complete chaos around here to almost deathly silent in a matter of minutes. Even Holly, who still lived here, had gone over to Jack’s for a while. Even though she said she’d be home later, I was willing to bet that sometime before eleven, her self-set curfew, I’d be getting a text telling me she was staying at Jack’s again. It would be the third time this week. Since they’d returned from their Queensland adventures, even a blind man could see the newfound closeness between them. Even though I was worried about Holly being too young, Jack was basically a good guy. One I could trust. He’d always treated her right. I had no doubts that he’d continue to do so. And if he kept that smile on her face and helped keep her demons at bay, he had my blessing.

  Upstairs I heard the groan of the pipes before Ryan appeared.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I didn’t know you were coming home today.”

  “Honestly, neither did I.”

  While Ryan rubbed at the stubble on his chin, I flopped into the old leather recliner and clicked on the TV. It wasn’t that I was interested in anything that was on there, these days there was pretty much nothing even worth watching. I just needed the background noise to drown out the quiet.

  “Everything okay?” Suddenly I was nervous. This family had been through so much already, I wasn’t sure we could deal with much more. I didn’t know if I could deal with any more.

  “Yeah. Zoe had to come back.”

  My stomach sank. That didn’t sound good. Internally, I panicked. I wanted to ask a million questions, but the last thing I needed was Ryan thinking I had a thing for his roommate. He didn’t need to know that I was jealous as hell that he got to see her every day. That he was the one she leaned on when she needed a shoulder to cry on. I fucking hated being jealous. Green didn’t suit me, and I didn’t like it. Not one little bit.

  “Anything serious?” I asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

  “Yeah. I think so.”

  “But you’re not sure?”

  “No, I’m not.”

  Asshole wasn’t giving me anything. If I wanted details, Ryan was going to make me come straight out and ask. And I wasn’t ready to do that. Not yet, anyway.

  Swallowing the lump that had mysteriously formed in my throat, I asked, “When do you think you’re heading back?”

  “Not sure yet. I promised Zoe I’d go get her in the morning and head over with her to see Derek.”

  What the hell was going on? My mind was spinning. Since when did Zoe need back up to go see Derek? He was her support. No one had a chance of getting in one hundred feet of her unless they had Derek’s blessing. And more importantly, where was she staying tonight? In her last couple of visits, if she hadn’t stayed out here with us, in either my bed or Ryan’s, she bunked at Derek’s.

  Reading my mind, Ryan filled in some of the blanks. “I dropped her off at Jenna’s earlier. I don’t have the details, but Jenna rang and asked her to come home. I think she’s really sick.”

  “Zoe’s sick?”

  “No. Not Zoe. Jenna. Jenna’s sick.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Is it serious?”

  “I think so. When I saw her, she didn’t look good at all.”

  Well shit!

  As much glad as I was that she was in town, I knew what Jenna meant to her. I wouldn’t wish her news on anyone. Alex appeared looking refreshed, his hair still dripping down his forehead—didn’t the guy know how to use a towel to dry himself? Ryan smiled the goofiest grin I’d ever seen on his face. Despite everything he’d been through, all his battles, facing all his demons, he’d come out on top. And as long he wore that happiness, I didn’t care who was responsible for putting it there. Ryan being okay was all that mattered.

  When Alex flopped down on the lounge next to Ryan and took a swig from his beer bottle, I needed some space from all these loved up couples. Everywhere I’d turned today there’d been hand holding, stolen kisses, or knowing glances being exchanged. Too much couple-ly bullshit had me cranky and frustrated.

  “I’ll be back,” was all I offered in way of explanation before shrugging on my vest and stepping out the door into the fading light.

  I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do. I headed down the steps and across the yard. In the middle of the driveway sat a car I didn’t recognise. It was one of those stupid soccer mums pretend SUVs. Sure, it was a bit higher than a normal car, but there was no way it could be considered a real SUV—it had no space in the boot. It wasn’t Alex’s ute and it certainly wasn’t Ryan’s, unless he’d bought a new car and hadn’t told me, something I doubted. Maybe it was Zoe’s. Why she’d have it made no sense either. Perhaps it was a hire car. Spying the interior light on, I made my way over. Everyone knew a single interior light left on overnight could drain the battery.

  After righting the seatbelt caught in the door jamb, I slammed the door shut and the light clicked off. Not before I spied the baby capsule in the backseat though.

  “What the fuck?”

  With a bee up my ass, I stomped back towards the house, ready to demand answers. And not just be placated either. I wanted answers. Real answers. And I was sure as shit going to get them.

  We’d been talking for hours.

  I shouldn’t be surprised really. We had a tonne to talk about.

  Once I’d gotten through the front door, Jenna had practically dragged me through, she’d turned her attention to Lachlan, someone who I doubted I’d be getting back anytime soon. Ryan had fled the moment he was sure we were okay. After depositing Lachlan’s stroller and his bag of stuff inside the door, I’d assured him I was fine, and he promised he was only a phone call away.

  The truth was I didn’t want him to go. Having him there was like being wrapped in my favourite safety blanket. Even though I knew he was only a phone call away, my stomach clenched with anxiety. He accepted me. He accepted Lachlan. He didn’t question the choices I’d made or query why I’d made them. As much as I loved Jenna, I wasn’t sure she’d be as accepting. My greatest fear was she’d reject not only me, but Lachlan as well.

  Jenna had made chicken and salad for dinner, and while we’d both picked at it, neither of us hungry, we addressed the elephant in the room.

  “Can I ask why?”

  “Why what?” I clarified, taking a sip from my water glass, my throat suddenly dry and scratchy.

  “What made you go it alone?”

  “You mean Lachlan?”

  “Yeah. Don’t get me wrong, he’s adorable, Zoe, and I think you’re going to make a fantastic mum…I’m just curious why.”

  Her question knocked me sideways. I should have been expecting it. I mean, in the scheme of everything it was a pretty standard thing to ask. I opened my mouth, but the words didn’t come. Coughing, I willed them to find their way to the tip of my tongue. But nothing. Just when I was feeling like the biggest fool in the world, I was cut off by a crying baby. Saved by the bell. Or in my case, a dirty nap and starving child.

  After excusing myself, I quickly changed Lachlan’s wet nappy and sat on the lounge. “Shit!”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s not in here!” I whined like a petulant child. This is what I was like these days when I was exhausted. I’d get whingy and whiney and become a bitch. Well, even more of a bitch than normal, which was saying something.

  “What’s not in here?”

  “My cover up. I need to feed him, and I can’t find it.” With Lachlan balanced in one arm, I upended the bag on the carpet, covering it in nappies, wipes, spare dummies, and a whole bunch of other shit I didn’t even know existed until four weeks ago. Feeling like I fucked up again, I stuf
fed what I could back in the bag, not even bothering to care that it was overflowing. Ryan’d have a fit if he saw this unorganised mess. “It’s probably in the car. I’ll just call Ryan and get him to bring it back…” I rambled as I dug my phone from my pocket, switching Lachlan in my arms. Even I was impressed by what I’d learnt to do one-handed in such a short time.

  Jenna reached out and covered my phone with her hand. “Zoe, you don’t need a cover up to feed my grandson. You’re fine.”

  I choked.

  I choked on air.

  Or maybe it was the emotions coursing through me that had nowhere else to go that had me coughing and spluttering.

  Without knowing it, Jenna had given me everything I’d been wishing for. She’d accepted Lachlan into her life, and in doing so, made me want to hug her. So, I did. And when she returned it, everything in the world felt right. She gave me one of those hugs that only a mother can give. You know the warm, inviting hugs that make you feel like no one in the world can touch you.

  “Grandson?” I spluttered out, needing to hear her say it again. Damn, I was a needy, hormonal mess. My eyes filled with tears. Who knew getting acceptance was so emotionally draining.

  While I adjusted the wriggling ball of blue and settled him against my chest, I looked over at Jenna, whose sunken eyes were filled with love. There was no doubting it.

  “Zoe, you know I already consider you my daughter. The daughter I never had…”

  “But I’m not.” And the truth in those words broke my heart. There was one point I thought I would have been, but everything went wrong. Instinctively I clutched at the diamond ring dangling from the silver chain around my neck.

  “Zoe, sweetheart. You are. And I don’t care if that ring is hanging around your neck or on your left hand. You are my family. And I’m yours. And I don’t want to hear another word about it. Now stop worrying, sit down, and feed your beautiful baby.”

  I wanted to cry. Burst out in big ugly tears. Instead, I did as I was told and settled back into the lounge and fed Lachlan. Once he had latched on and was happily suckling away, Jenna sat a cup of tea beside me before setting herself up in the chair opposite me, her eyes not once leaving me.